Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Randomize
