No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize