smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Randomize
