dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
It's not just going to appear. A lot of blood, sweat, tears, and leg work went into finding a cock that amazing!
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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