I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
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