My friends, they love my intelligence
some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
