So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
