Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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