remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
