how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
