god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
