What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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