Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
