so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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