at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
