I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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