So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Randomize
