You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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