FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
where are you?
Hypothermia
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Randomize
