I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I think i sorta joined a cult last night
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
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