He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Randomize
