So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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