I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
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