remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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