Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
