My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I think a kid would responsible me up
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
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