Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
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