he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
i think im in europe. pls send help
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
