So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
