if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
