Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Randomize