A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Randomize
