Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Randomize
