the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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