You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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