Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Randomize
