even my farts smell like vagina
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
