Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
