Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
