did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
