So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
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