I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
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