So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
so much tequila, so little girl.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Randomize
