Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
