My hand turned me down
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Randomize
