see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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