onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Randomize
