Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Couch. On fire.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Randomize
