I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Randomize
