I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
the liver wants what the liver wants
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
Randomize
