she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
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