i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Randomize
