I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
