I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
