I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Randomize
