I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
