you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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