you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Randomize
