i barfeds in our rink
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Randomize
