went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Randomize
